Funny news stories/Spoof news

Queen already pestering her subjects for Farmville assistance

Just days after opening her Facebook account, the Queen is already said to be pestering her millions of subjects for help growing a virtual farm that absolutely nobody cares about.

The Monarchy Facebook page was meant to be a new way of communicating with the country, but has merely provided a gateway to the addictive underbelly of the world’s most popular social networking site.

A Buckingham Palace insider told us, “It started off as a bit of fun, the Queen said, ‘Oh, I have some real farms, this should be a laugh’.”

“Before we knew it she was waking up the staff at all hours insisting they help her build a virtual barn because she had to have it right that second.”

“What could we do? We’ve all tried defriending her, but she’s the Queen, I think she can still technically have us beheaded – which she actually threatened to do if I didn’t help her sell some non-existent bushels to her made-up neighbouring farms.”

Monarchy Facebook page

Royal family observers are already suggesting that the Queen has gone too far with her incessant poking of Royal households around the world.

Reginald Rotherhithe of the The Royal Correspondent said, “I heard that King Juan Carlos of Spain found it all highly amusing, but Emporer Akihito of Japan is frankly fed up of having his news feed filled with the Queen’s horoscopes and spammy quizzes she’s taken to determine how sexy she it.”

“Plus she keeps tagging people in embarrassing photos. She’s becoming something of a pest, unfortunately.”

http://newsthump.com/2010/11/08/queen-already-pestering-her-subjects-for-farmville-assistance/

The_Amber_Spyglass wrote:Tex, could you sticky this thread please?

Nice man wins Nobel prize for meeting job description

US President Barack Obama has been awarded the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize for being an all-round nice guy, and pretty much adhering to his job description.

There were a record 205 nominations for this year’s peace prize. Zimbabwean Prime Minister Morgan Tsvangirai and Chinese dissident Hu Jia had been among the favourites who do not have a powerful army at their disposal.

The Nobel Committee explained that President Obama was a deserving winner, despite being in post for just ten months.

Recognition

“Mr Obama has done extremely well in his short time in office.”

“He has managed to not invade any more sovereign states, and this obvious restraint deserves recognition.”

“Also, the civilian deaths caused by US troops around the world is waaay down on last year – another reason for celebration.”

“But best of all, he has agreed to reduce his haul of nuclear weapons to a level capable of destroying the planet just three times over – again a significant improvement on the last guy.”

“I mean, he could literally make one phone call and Iran would disappear off the face of the Earth, but he hasn’t made that call yet, and for that reason, we happily award him this nice big prize ahead of many lesser-known pacifists and human rights campaigners.”

The award has demonstrated a shift in the awarding criteria to favour those nominees who can prove they are definitely not George W Bush.

One former losing nominee derided the committee’s decision, saying, “So basically he’s got the award for not being as bad as the last guy in his job? Well the last guy who had my job used to piss in the customers soup, so why not give it me!”

http://newsthump.com/2009/10/09/nice-man-wins-nobel-prize-for-meeting-job-description/

Hawking has “ruined it for everyone” - God

Writing exclusively for today’s Times ahead of the serialisation of his new book, God has complained that “Stephen Hawking has ruined it for everyone”. I won’t link to the piece, because it is behind the Times paywall, meaning that its existence has to be taken on trust. But the essence of God’s argument is that his existence has always been about faith. Professor Hawking’s announcement of God’s non-existence has “forced Me to come out into the open to show that I really do exist,” God writes. “The problem with this is that My followers no longer require faith. That may mean they now stop following Me. Except maybe on Twitter.”

PR experts have questioned the wisdom of God’s move, arguing that he is only giving weight to Professor Hawking’s story, which had hitherto only been based on hearsay, the laws of physics and rational thought. Nevertheless, God believes His actions to be the right ones. “The three of Us talked about it and came to the conclusion that We had to do something,” he says.

God also defends Himself against allegations of “mind-tapping”. There is nothing illegal about listening to other people’s thoughts, he believes. “The fact that I have a record of everything everyone has ever said, thought or done and have announced My intention to use these records against them in future decision-making does not contravene any laws, including the data protection act,” God writes. “Anyway, Google does it.”

http://www.michaelbrooks.org/blog/post/2010/09/04/Hawking-has-e2809cruined-it-for-everyonee2809d-God.aspx

Kim Jong Il backs Sarah Palin presidential bid

Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin has today received the influential backing of North Korean leader Kim Jong Il in her potential campaign to run for President in 2012.

After hearing Palin tell a radio presenter that US should work more closely with its Allies in North Korea, Jong Il is said to have written a cheque in support of the Tea Party favourite.

He told the official North Korean newspaper, “She has shown just the sort of grasp of world affairs that would make her a keen ally to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.”

“We can guarantee her the votes of at least 30 million North Koreans, which I am told are about as valuable as votes cast in Florida in a US Presidential election.”

“This is the best thing anyone has said about North Korea since earlier this week when David Cameron said we had ‘mad skillz’. Yes he did, yes he did, yes he did.”

“Plus, if Sarah Palin becomes President there’ll be no more of those annoying nuclear inspections and stuff, because I’m pretty sure she’ll believe absolutely everything we tell her.”

Sarah Palin’s North Korea

When told of Kim Jong Il’s backing, Palin said she was delighted to receive his endorsement, claiming it was further evidence of her growing standing on the International stage.

She told reporters, “It shows yet again that the world is ready for a change, the sort of change only I can offer. At least Kim Jong Il can see it.”

“His endorsement means a lot to me, as I’ve always admired China, apart from when they bombed Pearl Harbour.”

The US Democrats were keen to see how this all plays out, with one member telling us, “You know what, we’re totally behind North Korea on this. Please, please, PLEASE let Sarah Palin be the Republican presidential nominee.”

“Please.”

http://newsthump.com/2010/11/25/kim-jong-il-backs-sarah-palin-presidential-bid/

I’m so important I simply had to make this journey, insist stranded mid-level executive pricks

Hundreds of stranded mid-level executives have insisted that the ‘only travel if you absolutely must’ warnings do not apply to them because if they don’t get to the office, the quarterly figures will be a day late making negligible difference to anyone at all.

A large number of thoroughly unimportant people are now blocking major roads and even some motorways due to the fact they failed to recognise that what they do is completely inconsequential.

With road treatment suspended as a result, road conditions are deteriorating rapidly in some areas because someone in a low-end BMW was somehow convinced their role in a faceless corporation was worth risking the safety of other road users and emergency service workers.

Freezing executive Gary Williams told us, “I had no choice, I don’t think you understand what happens if the figures go into the system a bit late. It pushes everything back by a day. A WHOLE day!”

Another told us, “Look, I have a company Blackberry. Do you think they give Blackberry’s to employees whose role is not pivotal to the success of the business, and therefore the economy as a whole?”

“Yes my business card has executive at the end of it, why?”

Travellers stranded

Executive pricks have also warned against the example that they would be setting if they chose not to make the roads more dangerous for absolutely everybody else.

“What would my employees think?” continued Williams.

“Well, I guess I mean employee. Technically I share her with two other executives – and she only works Wednesdays and Fridays – but it’s still important I set the right example, even if she is from a temp agency.”

“Now if you don’t mind, I have to dial into a conference call during which I will contribute nothing useful whatsoever.”

http://newsthump.com/2010/12/01/im-so-important-i-simply-had-to-make-this-journey-insist-stranded-mid-level-executive-pricks/

Spare a thought for all those who’ve had their flight cancelled, say UK homeless

With the UK experiencing subzero temperatures, and the vulnerable faced with life-threatening conditions, the UK’s homeless have asked people to spare a thought for those facing long delays at the nation’s airports.

With some travellers forced to spend one whole night at Heathrow, the homeless have set up a charity that they hope will raise awareness of the plight currently being experienced by those eager to go on holiday over the Christmas period.

“Whilst the people that are homeless are genuinely real people, they can only try to imagine what it must be like to be faced with long delays for a flight to Antigua.” said a spokeshobo.

“I’ve heard stories that the W H Smith at Gatwick is running out of books, and all that’s left is an Alan Titchmarsh autobiography and a copy of The Da Vinci Code.”

“That sort of adversity is something that deserves 24×7 news coverage and the undivided attention of the nation.”

Flights cancelled due to snow

Miriam Chimpney-Waters has been at Heathrow for over 11 hours, and despite being stupid enough to think that her flight would be flying out as scheduled, is angry that she is suffering an inconvenience.

“It’s an outrage,” she blasted. “This has been an awful year for the middle classes, a real annus horribilis.”

“What’s even more frustrating is that I can’t blame Gordon Brown!”

The Met Office has warned of more snow and ice in many parts of the country, with one meteorologist comparing the chances of people getting their flights today with the liklihood of “Sue Pollard and Stephen Hawking taking the lead roles in a remake of Last Tango in Paris.”

Other tragic tales from over the weekend include:

* Emily and Gareth Worboys being faced with the real possibility that the Buzz Lightyear night light projector that they ordered for son Toby, may not arrive in time for Christmas.
* Margaret Frampton being unable to collect the goose she’s ordered from M&S for Christmas lunch, meaning she’d have to try again later in the week. Something she described as “A bit of a bloody pain actually”
* Roy Gardener not being able to play his usual round of golf on Sunday morning.

Have you been affected by the heavy snow and ice or have your travel plans been disrupted? Then please don’t get in touch as we literally could not give less of a shit.

http://newsthump.com/2010/12/20/spare-a-thought-for-all-those-whove-had-their-flight-cancelled-say-uk-homeless/

The_Amber_Spyglass wrote:Cannabis use raises psychosis risk, claim Illuminati-backed psychedelic elephants

Using cannabis as a teenager or young adult increases the risk of psychosis according to the herd of psychedelic elephants that use your wardrobe as an HQ.

The elephants claim the study, which they published in the British Medical Journal who are also in on it, involved tracking 1900 people over a period of 10 years as they moved from bedroom to sofa to fridge and then back to the sofa.

The research was led by Professor Jim Van Os from Maastricht University and his friends in the Knights Templar, but if you rearrange the letters of his name it spells MJ So Vain which may or may not be significant.

Jasmine Orinoco , leader of the elephants, said, “Funding for the project came from generous members of the Illuminati who are a bit flush at the moment what with running the world’s banks, including Barclays.”

“They’re also the ones who put that pyramid with the strange eye on the dollar bill but I can’t tell you much more than that right now except it’s something to do with opening up your chakras.”

Cannabis causes psychosis

Orinoco, who just wouldn’t bloody shut up once he got started, went on:

“MJ or Michael Jackson knew too much that’s why he had to be silenced. And a friend of mine who worked on the set of the Thriller Video reckons they used real zombies which they smuggled in from Haiti.”

Professor Van Os, meanwhile, sought to play down his definite links with the Knights Templar, but did admit to receiving cash from the Illuminati, insisting they’re the ones who persuaded NASA to fake the Moon landings and are also to blame for the starter packs from Lloyds TSB being a bit shit.

He also said that stuff about cannabis making you more creative is probably a load of bollocks but it can help with your sciatica.

He added, “I’m just nipping out for a minute. Do you want another packet of Wagon Wheels ?”

http://newsthump.com/2011/03/02/cannabis-use-raises-psychosis-risk-claim-illuminati-backed-psychedelic-elephants/

dblboggie wrote: Holy crap! I had my first joint at 14... now it all makes sense!



<--- feeling a bit peckish... takes Van Os up on those Wagon Wheels...

TexasBlue wrote:

dblboggie wrote: Holy crap! I had my first joint at 14... now it all makes sense!



<--- feeling a bit peckish... takes Van Os up on those Wagon Wheels...

Had mine at 15 (Oct. 14, 1978) on my way to see Aerosmith in St. Paul.

dblboggie wrote:For cryin out loud... I'm getting way too old... I stopped smoking dope in August of 1977... after I mustered out of the Army...

TexasBlue wrote:

dblboggie wrote:For cryin out loud... I'm getting way too old... I stopped smoking dope in August of 1977... after I mustered out of the Army...

I stopped in 1989. I got tired of always being tired. That and eating Twinkies was ruining my diet when I was stoned.

dblboggie wrote: have to say that my dope use munchies were almost always offset by my speed-taking lack of appetite...

Apart from the 10lbs I gained in boot (all muscle), my weight never really varied until I hit my 40's, and even then, it was only after I quit practicing Tae Kwon Do that I started to put on some weight...

TexasBlue wrote:

dblboggie wrote: have to say that my dope use munchies were almost always offset by my speed-taking lack of appetite...

Apart from the 10lbs I gained in boot (all muscle), my weight never really varied until I hit my 40's, and even then, it was only after I quit practicing Tae Kwon Do that I started to put on some weight...

I never used any other drugs except pot. Probably a good thing, too.

I gained weight when I quit smoking cigs (also in 1989). I went from 165 to 180. I'm 240 now. All gut! This new job will bring me back down to around 200, which is where I was when I got laid off 2 years ago. Yes, being unemployed makes ya fat!

David Cameron attacks 'annoying' Ed Balls

David Cameron dubbed shadow chancellor Ed Balls "the most annoying person in modern politics" during noisy Commons exchanges.

The PM had his dig at Mr Balls as he was trying to answer a question from Labour MP Joan Whalley.

"I wish the shadow chancellor would occasionally shut up and listen to the answer," said Mr Cameron.

He told a grinning Mr Balls: "I may be alone in thinking him the most annoying person in modern politics."

And - with MPs in uproar - he added a further jibe about Mr Balls' supposed party leadership ambitions, saying: "I've got a feeling the leader of the opposition will one day agree with me, but there we are."

'Good-natured'

The prime minister then got on with answering Mrs Whalley's call for an enterprise zone for her Staffordshire constituency.

According to Mr Balls' office, the shadow chancellor had been shouting across the chamber at the prime minister to accuse him of not answering MPs' questions. He had waved a glass of water at Mr Cameron to suggest he should "calm down".

"We are pretty surprised he snapped. It clearly touched a nerve," said Mr Balls's spokesman.

The weekly Commons clash had got off to a good-natured start, with Mr Cameron congratulating Labour leader Ed Miliband on his forthcoming marriage to partner Justine, and the two men swapping jokes about organising a stag night.

But it became increasingly ill-tempered, as Mr Cameron laid into Mr Miliband's speech to the TUC anti-cuts rally in London's Hyde Park on Saturday.

"Far from standing on the shoulders of the suffragettes - or whatever nonsense we heard at the weekend - the fact is the right honourable gentleman is sitting in a great big pool of debt that was his creation and he's got absolutely no idea what to do about it," said Mr Cameron to loud Conservative cheers.

Then Mr Cameron brushed off a question from Labour's Chris Williamson by saying he had "no idea" who the MP was.

The Derby North MP had called for a personal apology from Mr Cameron, who he said had accused him of misleading people on an election leaflet over winter fuel payments.

"I can't believe I accused him of anything because I had absolutely no idea who he was," said Mr Cameron, adding that the government had kept the winter fuel payments as it had promised.

Mr Cameron's comments about Mr Balls came near the end of what was the last Prime Minister's Questions session for four weeks because of the Easter break.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-12908837